Arethusa. Oil on canvas by: http://hazelleesantino.com/about/

Anais Nin:

Arethusa, unable to reach for an impossible fulfillment in love, turned into a fountain, nourished others with her tears.

A mute, blank pain.

If you’re lonely, come
Seal the doubt, the pain is deep
You could long the life
Say it on that land

But, you went south on the train
She wore plastic boots for rain
And you’re cruel: another thin line
You’re dreading this, caught lonely.

Who will I be when I’m with you again?
Silver jet in the sky
You were the pain
Got a song, got to sing
For life

If you don’t eat your-
-self no doubt the blade is deep
If you don’t eat yourself
You will explode instead

‘Cause I’ve never loved you so
Well, I know you don’t love me
You wouldn’t last that long
Can the weekend tear it down?

Who will I be when I’m with you again?
Silver jet in the sky
You were the pain
Got a song, got to sing
For life

Sneaker Pimps : Waterbaby from Becoming X … one of those albums

Your hear is served cold, your sights are set in perfect stone and when you go you go alone and when you stand you’re on your own. I wash the streets from your skin when you come home.

We’re nothing like friends, you have no time to lend. And if you’re the guilt then I’m the shame. And if I’m hurt then you’re the blame. You wash my trace from your skin and you leave again. 

Random laid plans, 40 days of one night stands, and when you go you go alone. You walk the cross you’ve made your own. 

Your love is bored, life left with anons 

Okay, I know this is quite cliche, but as I am approaching 30..I’ve noticed that throughout my day I find myself reflecting upon, wanting to document and reduce my wandering mind to concrete contemplations that shook the ground beneath my feet - I suppose this has been prompted by my upcoming 5 year anniversary living here…

I’ve been consumed with the idea of taking control in shaping the next decade of my life and thus… Im thinking of it as a reductionist exercise and maybe an opportunity to reveal somethings about my values, the edges of my preferences..maybe even help me unravel, reveal a path…? 

Anyway - at first I shied away from the idea of blogging this but then thought - what the fuck - I have enough problems holding onto memories - writing things down has always helped. Oh and Im going to do this backwards so… 

#1. Cycling in a hilly region teaches you patience and how to have a slow & steady gait. 

Shin Takamatsu, architect

Syntax building, Kyoto

Ark Building

Hiroshi Hara, architect

Kyoto Station

Umeda Sky Building, Osaka

Sapporo Dome

It is as if by a fluid quality, a facility for identification with others, I became like water and instead of separating from others, I lose myself in others. This for me is my labyrinth. Identification, projection. It is at the basis of my life, analogy, interchange of souls, of identities. Doesn’t love mean just that, this growing into the other like plants intertwining their roots, this interchange of soul and feelings. Not an abyss then, but a new world. Not madness but a deep truth. A principle moving us, our inner fatality. We don not act as ourselves. We act. We are possessed. These are the multiple miracles of personality.

some of my favourite passages from Anais Nin’s Diaries Vol. 2

I no longer believe duality is a weakening element. One can make a strong tool out of it.  It all depends on one’s flexibility, if one is able to yield to double pressures and move with fluidity between then.  It is the rigidity which causes the breaks.

My pity is exhausted, I can’t respond to any more, because all this misery comes out of stubbornness, ignorance, and a persistent self-destruction.

The eye is the only sense we have which crosses between the finite and the infinite.

There is no absolute in relationship.

-Anais Nin

We touch all things by osmosis, empathy…We are in contact with a center, yet part of us escapes and lives marginally, a part of us in exile, hence the feeling of loneliness. It is that we live in becoming, in the future.

My occupation is to learn to walk through all of them in a state of transcendentalism, to live only in the essence and within the frame of none.

-Jean Carteret

from Anais Nin:

Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.

Fissura : of body /  of heart / of earth… a groove, a natural division, a deep furrow, a tear, an extensive crack.

Derrida discerns another aporia in regard to whether or not to forgive somebody who has caused us significant suffering or pain. This particular paradox revolves around the premise that if one forgives something that is actually forgivable, then one simply engages in calculative reasoning and hence does not really forgive. Most commonly in interviews, but also in his recent text On Cosmopolitanism and Forgiveness, Derrida argues that according to its own internal logic, genuine forgiving must involve the impossible: that is, the forgiving of an ‘unforgivable’ transgression – eg. a ‘mortal sin’ (OCF 32, cf. OH 39). There is hence a sense in which forgiving must be ‘mad’ and ‘unconscious’ (OCF 39, 49), and it must also remain outside of, or heterogenous to, political and juridical rationality. This unconditional ‘forgiveness’ explicitly precludes the necessity of an apology or repentance by the guilty party, although Derrida acknowledges that this pure notion of forgiveness must always exist in tension with a more conditional forgiveness where apologies are actually demanded. However, he argues that this conditional forgiveness amounts more to amnesty and reconciliation than to genuine forgiveness (OCF 51). The pattern of this discussion is undoubtedly beginning to become familiar. Derrida’s discussions of forgiving are orientated around revealing a fundamental paradox that ensures that forgiving can never be finished or concluded – it must always be open, like a permanent rupture, or a wound that refuses to heal.

The mind is like a kind of theatre, where several perceptions
successively make their appearance; pass, re-pass, glide away, and
mingle in an infinite variety of postures and situations.”

waiting for the song to end to begin again

Aotearoa

Decisions, flexibility, loyalty, friendships, the morphing nature of relationships, efforts put forth versus efforts withheld … topics of the mind as of late. Many  Tom Robbins’ writing comes to mind, amongst which stands out :

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

and

“When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on—series polygamy—until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Canis lupis.